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Thread: OT: machinist jokes?

  1. #1
    Maverickmachinist is offline Cast Iron
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    Silly idea but how many machinist jokes do you guys know? Some of you have been around for a long time and had to pick up some jokes. It seems like every tade has jokes but ours has very little. I made one up and my friends will laugh to amuse me.

    A machinist walks in to a bar-
    Why didnt I put that back?
    Or thats where the 1/2 SS went

  2. #2
    HuFlungDung is offline Diamond
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    Machinists are one trade that is encouraged to screw around at work.

  3. #3
    kenh is offline Titanium
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    See "BUll of the Woods", Vol I thru IV.
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  4. #4
    Dimitri is offline Titanium
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    Alot of machinists jokes are alot like the "You know your a machinist when ..." series we have on the General (non-temperary) board. [img]smile.gif[/img]

    http://www.practicalmachinist.com/ub...c/1/24610.html

    Dimitri

  5. #5
    smallshop's Avatar
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    Did you hear the one about the machinist who only worked 40 hrs per week, retired early and had a great pension.......
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  6. #6
    5thwheel is offline Stainless
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    posted 11-25-2006 11:07 AM
    Did you hear the one about the machinist who only worked 40 hrs per week, retired early and had a great pension.......


    Yeah!
    His job was outsoursed. He had to take his Social Security at 62 and is paying most of it out to Medicre and the Plan D prescription plan.

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    Did you hear the one about the constipated engineer who worked it out with a pencil, while the machinist was more at home with a hand reamer?

    Bob

  8. #8
    Forrest Addy is offline Diamond
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    Here's an oldie' re-tooled, you might say, for the occasion:

    A doctor, a lawyer, and a machinist were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

    They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "Off with his head!" shouted the mullah. The crowd roared. The doctor was stuffed into postition, the executioner jerked the lanyard and - nothing heppened. They took the doctor out and tried it on a goat. Chop! It worked perfectly.

    A big cry went up from the crowd. "Spare the doctor. It is the will of God!" And the doctor was freed.

    Next they dragged up to lawyer. "I'm a lawyer. I can represent your cause before the world court..." he was stuffed into the guillotine... the lanyard... nothing happened... the goat... the crowd "...the will of God" and the lawyer was freed.

    Next they dragged up the machinist. He said: "There's a burr that stops the latch lever every other pull. Gimme a file and I could dress it off."

  9. #9
    Carl Darnell is offline Titanium
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    Most machinists have hemorrhoids. All the rest are perfect ass holes.
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  10. #10
    alwyn is offline Cast Iron
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    that guy does,nt know if his ass is punched, bored or reamed.

  11. #11
    plannerpower is online now Hot Rolled
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    In my apprentice days, the expression was "......drilled, punched, bored or reamed".

  12. #12
    Pete22 is offline Cast Iron
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    Did you hear about the machinist that went broke with his new invention; a TIME MACHINE; that he rented by the hour.

    People brought it back before they took it!!!!!

    Actually, I must admit, that was an engineer joke.
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  13. #13
    willbird is offline Banned
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    A young man was accepted to a position as an apprentice Machinist. He was bragging to his girlfriends father that he now worked to .001" of an inch.....the Father in law replied "wow there are a lot of those in an inch eh?"..and the young tyro replied "yup MILLIONS of em"


    Bill

  14. #14
    Metal Slave is offline Hot Rolled
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    A machinist walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulders,the bartender says "Hey,that's really neat where'd you get that?" And the parrot replies,,,"The unemployment line,there's millions of them."

    Ok,that was lame but what the heck I just made it up based on a different joke.
    Actually,I haven't heard many machinist jokes so it would be nice to hear some.
    Best thing I can remember was a cartoon that was passed around the shop.It was of 2 kids as though they were bored & one of them says "I know,Let's play machine shop." And the other kid says "Yeah.You grunt & make stuff,then I'll smirck & reject it."

  15. #15
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    Did you hear about the dead body they found under the bridge the other day?

    His back was broken , wallet empty , and his a$$ looked like it had been really chewed on in the past.

    The detective took one look and said "Hmmm a Machinist"


    Forrest that is a good one you had .

    JAckal
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  16. #16
    Forrest Addy is offline Diamond
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    OK Cannibal joke another re-tool:

    Cannibal walked into a cannibal butcher shop. "I have guests in town and I was thinking of serving them brains and eggs for breakfast."

    "Good choice said the butcher. I have some nice doctor's brains here for $5.95 a pound."

    "Hm." The cannibal customer said, reading the labels. "Maybe a little pricy. How about these lawyer brains?"

    "Those are $4.95. Still a college education but not to a doctor's degree."

    "Still too much. Oh wait. Over here you have machinist's brains."

    "Those are $15.95 a pound"

    "WHAT!! Why's that? All a machinist needs is a trade school education."

    "Takes a lot of machinists to make a pound of brains. Then you have to clean 'em."

  17. #17
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    This poem shows the joke is on us.


    The Designer

    The designer sat at his drafting board
    A wealth of knowledge in his head was stored
    Like "What can be done on a radial drill
    Or a turret lathe or a vertical mill?"
    But above all things a knack he had
    Of driving gentle machinists mad.
    So he mused as he thoughtfully scratched his bean
    "Just how can I make this thing hard to machine?"
    If I make this perfect body straight
    The job had ought to come out first rate
    But would be so easy to turn and bore
    That it would never make a machinist sore
    So I'll put a compound taper there
    And a couple of angles to make them swear
    And brass would work for this little gear
    But its too damned easy to work I fear
    So just to make the machinist squeal
    I'll make him mill it from tungsten steel
    And I'll put these holes that hold the cap
    Down underneath where they can't be tapped
    Now if they can make this it'll just be luck
    Cause it can't be held by dog or chuck
    And it can't be planed and it can't be ground
    So I feel my design is unusually sound.
    And he shouted in glee, "Success at last!
    This goddam thing can't even be cast.',
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  18. #18
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    gbent - sound of applause.

  19. #19
    Broken Tap is offline Member
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    There was a record lottery in the State of Maine, and as luck would have it, three people won this 100 million dollars...a Lawyer, Doctor and a Machinist.

    Since the amount was so high, a local news reporter came around to interview each one amout their massive winnings.

    "So what are you going to do with you 33 million," she asked the Lawyer?

    "Well I am going to turn my practice into a free service to help the people that cannot afford to have a unbiased trial."

    "Wow," she said, "that is so noble of you. And what are you going to do with your money," she asked the Doctor in turn?

    "Well my wife and I are going to move to the African Jungle and treat the less fortunate over there, all for free of course."

    Again she said that was very noble and then turned to the Machinist. "And just what do you tend to do with your 33.3 million dollars?"

    "Well," he said after a very long pause to think, "I'll probably just keep working as a Machinist until the money runs out!!"
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  20. #20
    Broken Tap is offline Member
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    "How many Machinists work in this shop," a visitor asked the owner?

    "About half of them," he said with a grin.

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