A sassenach is a lowlander not an Englishman. Consequently, if you were born South of the Highland Line( and you were), you're a Sassenach.

I sort of sneak in being an owner and ratepayer to Highland Council in Inverness-shire.

Exits to 'the Ball of Kirriemuir' and sic blether

Norm

sneak in what.....?

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
*
P: Intercomm sounds like bacon frying in headset.
S: Removed bacon from headset. .
*
P: MA airconditioning system sounds like an elephant farting.
S: We don't have anyone who knows what an elephant fart sounds like.

Subclause 12a:
Protesting that it is named for a local newspaper, quite frankly, misses the point.
We are barely more amused than we were when the manager of the band "Nigg@s must Die" claimed they were "only named after a bumper sticker".


Subclause 15a:
Executives from Starbucks, MacDonalds and all such franchises will be relocated to a remote island location where their own product will be the only 'sustenance' .
They will each be formally issued every New Year's Day with one set of (paper and plastic) crockery, cutlery and drinking utensils for their exclusive use.

We'd hardly even notice down here, The bottom of the Atlantic is dryer than england most days

And in any case, if god intended man to live in england, he would have given him gills

Boris

No, You got there first, even though my (English) company is now owned by the French

A little boy asks his mother: "mom, why are you white and I am black?" She answers: "Barry, Don't even go there! From what I remember of that party, you should feel lucky that you don't Bark!!!!"

Norm,

To the best of my knowledge sassenach actually means foreigner. It's usually (mistakenly) used as another name for English.
Thur's nae way A'm a sassenach

Maybe we can both learn from this:
Your Scottish Slang Word O’ The Day: Teuchter Literal Barrage

The White House Fence
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York, another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.


And that, my friends, is how government contracting works!

The horrifying part is that it doesn't sound untrue

There was a 54 year old Proctologist named William who had seen it all, and decided to retire. Things went well for six months or so, until he became profoundly bored. His Wife suggested that he should go back to work. He said he could not bear getting back into that line of work. She said maybe he should look into something else.
So, our man signed up at the community college for an engine machining/rebuilding class. He loved the work, always having been interested in cars and he felt he did pretty good.
When it came time for the final exam, which was a complete engine rebuild on a worn out junkyard car, he was worried he would not do as well as the younger more mechanically inclined students, but did his best. The day the grades were posted, he was reading the results on a hallway bulletin board. "There's John, he got a 97, and Fred got a hundred!" He was really surprised when he came to his name and he had gotten a 150! He thought that had to be a typo, so he went and asked the instructor about the grade.
The instructor said "yeah I gave you a 150. That was the nicest rebuild I have ever seen, your machine work was flawless and all specs were within a tenth. The engine was very clean and all the torque specs were exact!" To which Bill replied, "there are some others who did as well and only got a 97 or a 100!"
The instructor said, "I gave you 100 for the project and I award you the extra 50, because that is the only time I have ever and I do mean ever saw anyone do it all through the Tailpipe!!!"

readers digest version .Guy sitting in bar having beer notices man at other end has head the size of an orange has few beers finaly gets nerve to go ask him why his head is so small.man says well son i was in the navy and went ship wreked .woke on a deserted island and heard a womens voice yelling for help .found a mirmaid stuck between 2 rocks and helped her out.she said thank you ive been stuck here for 2 years u can have any three wishes you want at the end of your three wishes all your wishes will be granted .he said well of course i want to be home .2 id like a million dollars and 3 ive been in the navy on a boat for 4 years how bout we have sex. she said sorry sir im not that way he said ok how about a little head..

[QUOTE=Gordon B. Clarke;1380228]Norm,

To the best of my knowledge sassenach actually means foreigner. It's usually (mistakenly) used as another name for English.

Gordon,
The word stems from 'Saxon'. Recall my earlier reference to Saxe/Coburg/Gotha and Big Ears and Mummy who are 'Battenbergs' changed to Mountbatten to Windsor.
( I'll test your revision, later)

Current usage divides the North at the Great Scottish Rift from the rest of who knows where.
History is that the Roman Wall was not one but Two Walls. If you take the most Northern route, you were born in-- bless my soul- North of the Humberland or Bernicia, If you accept the lower Wall, you can only be a sheep stealer or a moss trooper that the Wall was intended to keep out the rest who were Picts and Shovels( sorry, Scots).

I can only apologise but there is more bad news to come. The 'Romans' were not Italians but French troops. To worry you further, 'Bonnie Prince Charlie' was a little runt of a guy who hadn't a word of English let alone Gaelic. He was brought up to be French.
( You getting worried?) 'Clarke' is a derivative of 'the Latin 'Clericus' and Haggis, the precursor to Deep fried MarsBars simply is a lousy spelling of 'Hachis' which means 'Minced'

Sorry about all of this and maybe you'd now settle for the attentions of the milkman in all this..
The milkman might have been no other than that other Sean Connery who was a Scottish Milkman but Irish, of course.

Me? Moi? Well there is a certain Mr Bean. Indeed- and little more that can be said.
Apparently our somewhat dozy Rowan came from a tiny village in County Durham, England.
Oddly, the Atkinsons of my lot came from- well, you guessed.

My wife, to the shagrin of the upstarts to the family,had a castle- but like most things in this world, it fell down!
Nothing is quite what it seems.

With the castle gone, I'm simply left with the lunatic asylum across the park.
At least, with my creaky kness, it isn't too far.

Bye!

Norm

Sean and Shamus had just found work in a sawmill when Sean heard a sharp cry emanating from his friend. He then noticed that Shamus was missing a finger! “What have you gone and done now?” Asked Sean. “See that great steel wheel that’s cutting the wood! Well I just moved my hand across it, like this, and… OPPS! Look, there goes another one!”

Tom Conlon

How would you pronounce this child's name?
She spells her name "Le-a"

So how would YOU pronounce her name?
Leah? .....................NO.
Lee - A? .................. NOPE.
Lay - a? ............ NOT A CHANCE.
Lei?..........NICE TRY, BUT GUESS AGAIN!


This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her child's name wrong.
She says it's pronounced "Ledasha."
When the Mother was asked how in the world she figured it should be pronounced that way, she said,
"cause the dash don't be silent!"
So, if you see a name come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash.
And if anyone axes you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!

Said to be true but probably a joke .
-------------------------

Conversation heard over the radio.

"Ship on bearing 270 degrees, ship on bearing 270 degrees, ship on bearing 270 degrees , you are on a collision course and closing fast, please alter course to starboard immediately, I repeat Immediately.

" Ship on bearing 90 degrees, ship on bearing 90 degrees, ship on bearing 90 degrees, I suggest that YOU alter course, as we are an American warship on an Important Training Excercise".

" Ship on bearing 270 degrees, I repeat alter course to starboard immediately ,
WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE !!!"


Davycrocket

There's no way I'm going to answer or comment everything you wrote
I surrender gladly

I'll just settle for:

I've been on both the Roman walls. They were erected to keep out the Picts as the Scots were still in Ireland at that time

Actually on my dad's birth certificate it's Clark and not Clarke. Back in his army days there were two Clarks in his regiment and of course, both Nobby

They flipped a coin and my dad lost so the "e" was added. It was never changed back.

Many think that the war in 1745 was between Scotland and England but it was actually the Catholic Scots (mainly Highlanders) against Protestant Scots and English.

It was only after Culloden that the Protestant Scots stopped the English from continuing a massacre.

And so it continues with Rangers FC (we are the people) and Celtic FC.

I had a quick look as I was pretty certain an American hadn't posted it

Apologies to our Gordon. I was simply doing 'A Blackadder' type satirical account.
Any connection between the real thing and what was written was- pure- or not so pure -ly coincidental.

Cheers- and how all we need cheering up

Norman

A man is working at the top of sa building and slips off it
n
n
n
e
e
e
a
a
a
a
h
h
h
h
g
g
g
r
g
g
<thud>

The site foreman hears the noise , rushes up and says "my god, what happened?"
and the man says " I dunno, I only just got here"

Boris