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Humor - You might be a gun nut... (long)


Mar 10, 2005
Nashville, TN
If You've ever dabbed a little Hoppe's on your neck before going on a date...

If you bought checkering tools, checkered all your gunstocks and are now starting on the bedposts...

If you cannot really recall just how many guns you own...
Surplus ammunition suppliers call you to see if there was anything you were looking for...
If you bought a gun from a gunshop, only to realize you used to own it years ago...

If you've ever shot out a 1911 barrel.........
If you save brass and have a case tumbler, but don't reload...
If you ever stripped the paint off of your car and then blued it
If you've ever bought ammo for a caliber you didn't shoot, thinking that someday you might own a gun in that caliber...
If your computer passwords are gun related...
If your five-year-old can detail strip and fully reassemble an M-1 Garand............
If you take your guns out of the safe and handle them, just so you can wipe them down before going to bed...
If your local gunsmith calls you for obsolete parts...

If you home-school and use ballistic tables for math lessons...

If your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator...

If the speedometer on your car is in both m.p.h. and fps...

If you call Brownells and they recognize your voice...

If you own reloading dies for calibers that you do not shoot...

If you understand Smith and Wesson's model numbers...

If you ever bought two different brands of the same bullet just to see which one "shot better"...

If you've ever had to explain "that it's not the same gun it's a variant!"...

If watching the Lion King gives you the itch for a .470 Nitro...

If you cut out your best groups and carry them in your wallet like photos...

If you've ever gone to a gun show three times in one month, and were excited every time...
If you feel that a golf course is a willful and deliberate misuse of a perfectly good rifle range...
If you ever accidentally seasoned a steak with FFFFg black powder...
If your brass tumbler used to be a small cement mixer...

If you identify the gun on the cover of Dillon's Blue Press before you notice the girl...
If you make $30/hr at work and spent 35 min- on your knees at the range looking for that last piece of .40 brass...
If you have guns in your safes that you can't for the life of you remember how you came by...

If the FBI asks you to identify firearms they can't...
If ammo manufacturers had to layoff workers when you went to Europe for a month's vacation...
If you know the range of every tree in the neighborhood...
If you can tell the caliber of any spent casing just by feel...
If you plead with the gun shop to hold a rifle/shotgun until you have space for it...
If you can't figure out why your non-shooting friends laugh when you say "Bushmaster"...
If you didn't get that last one because you don't have any "non-shooting" friends...
If your driver's license says "must wear night vision goggles."
If your shoulder is callused...
If manufacturers ask you how their rifles hold up.
If you get misty eyed evey time you sell a gun..
If you alternate Silvertips, Hydra-Shoks and Black Talons in your magazines because they look prettier that way..........
If you guess windage and range every time you look at a road sign...
If you went out to the range this weekend to shoot up ammo, just so you'd have some brass to reload...
RCBS answers your phone calls, "What have YOU dreamed up this time?"..............
If you can name the parts of your post-ban rifle you had to (or want to) swap out to make a legal semi auto AW
If someone asks about the president and you think they're talking about Charlton Heston...
If you know the model numbers of your Glocks, how many and what size mags you have, and which are loaded, but have no idea when your anniversary is....
If you've ever had to explain why you need armor piercing rounds to someone...
If you don't know that there is a difference between "the Internet" and "Glock Talk"
If you have ever run out of gas in your car, but have never run out of ammo before
If you know the serial numbers of your guns, but still get your kids' names mixed up.

If you hold a firearms related record in Guiness book of world records.
If you go to gun shows with a grocery buggy (painted camo of course)
If you had to explain to someone what a "SHTF scenerio" is
If the National Guard calls you when things get a little too hot

If you had a gun rack on your bike when you were a kid
If you know why 30-06 is pronounced "thirty alt six"
If you buy all of your clothes at wal-mart but own some of the most expensive holsters known to man

If your name is on California's AW ban

If you walk up on a conversation about horses and as soon as you hear "colt", you are immediately interested...

If your favorite saint is John Moses Browning.

If your favorite paint color is "gun metal grey".

If you break off on a dissertation on how badly congress screwed Bill Ruger.
If you anticipate another shooting session AS you are putting your guns away at the range.

If you look at Shotgun News the way teenagers look at playboy

If every street sign within 5 miles of your house looks like it came from chechnya

If you went to college, but owned more gun manuals than text books
If the national guard armory has your phone number on "call block" because you keep making bids on their WWII artillery piece sitting out front

If you carry a backup gun in case the backup for your backup fails.

If you carry concealed at the beach

If third world arms dealers consider you to be the largest gun runner in the world (but you keep all the stuff for yourself)
If you were arrested/questioned about the sniper shootings

If you've filled out more "yellow forms" than income tax forms

If you have your own VIP parking spot at gun shows.

If you hear someone say "it's about 9:45" and you think to yourself "good grief, the 9mm/.45 debate will never end!"

If you sit through a violent movie and aren't bothered by gory violence, but flinch when someone drops a firearm (might scratch it)

If the above has ever brought tears to your eyes

If you have been banned from a movie theater because you always stand up in the middle of the movie and tell everyone you can't fire 30 rounds from a revolver without reloading.

If you ever took apart your Nintendo zapper and installed custom trigger,laser sight, scope, etc. for Duck Hunt
If you have more firearms than friends
If you have insurance covering your guns, but not you

If Hillary Clinton makes your skin crawl.

If you slide your paddle holster on to check your mail.

If you slide your paddle holster on to take out the garbage.

If you find yourself rapidly disassembling/re-assembling your handgun....in the dark.....on the toilet.

If you drive to work with a $1500 Kimber in a $500 pick-up.

If you've spent more than twenty minutes writing "you might be a gun nut if's.

If your guns are named names usually reserved for people

If you designed your own caliber and built a firearm to fire it

If you grew up with loaded guns all around you, but it never crossed your mind to shoot up your school.

If you've read the Constitution

If you know the second amendment by heart

If you know the second amendment translated into more than 3 laguages

If you used to have a hill as a backstop, but now it has become a 30 foot high mound of pure lead.

If you make your own reloading tools

If you make your own powder

If you don't label your reloading powder, because you can hear the difference when shaking the can

If you have ever read an article in the crime section of the newspaper and read "the suspect had over 200 rounds of ammunition", then assumed it was a misprint. who in his right mind would get down to only 200 rounds???
If your CCW is a shotgun

If your CCW is a .50

If your CCW is a LAW

If you find yourself doing trigger and muzzle control on the bottle of your wife's glass cleaner

If your girlfriend/wife is jealous of the time you spend with your guns

If your wishlist on midwayusa totals up to the price of a new car

If that new car would be a Bentley

If you're already thinking about your next gun while your filling out the paperwork on the one you're buying.
If the guys at the local gun shop send you a christmas card
If you own guns you haven't shot yet

If you have a room in your house dedicated to guns

If when someone says "but what if you don't have a gun with you?" and after 15 minutes you still can't comprehend how that would be possible.

If the sound of full auto gun fire makes you feel all warm and fuzzy

If you shook the presents under your tree, and one fired a round out of it.

If you've spent more money at Midway USA, Brownell's, and Cabela's than the companies are worth.

If your will specifies your favorite firearm(s) to be buried with you.

If the glock talk logo is burned into your monitor.

If you have had a friend who thought knives were soooo cool and dangerous, then you showed him your AK-47 collection

If you wonder why you must renew your CCW license every year, but your marriage license won't expire.

If someone asks how many guns you have, and the answer begins with "about" (i.e. "about 50 or so").

If you took an ink blot test, and your answers were things like "an AR-15 sear", "bolt release from ruger 10-22", "firing pin from M1911", etc.
If you know you carry 45 caliber 230 grain full metal jacketed hydra-shock hollow points from Federal, but don't know the color of your wife's eyes.
If you have ever shot a hole in something on accident
If that something was your TV during a Bush/Gore debate

If you buy Hoppe's solvent in 50 gallon drums because your howitzer "likes" it

If the gun show owners let you in free.

If you named a dog after a gun.

If you name your kids after your guns.

If you time yourself each time you fill out one of those yellow forms, and you're down to a minute flat.

If NICS put your favorite gun dealer on call block.

If you're only dating/marrying a girl so you can shoot her gun collection.

If the wallpaper on your desktop is firearm related

If the wallpaper in a room of your house is firearm related

If you have no wallpaper or house, but live in a dug-out underground bunker to keep your guns safe

If CNN does a report on gun control and shows a table of guns from a gun show, and one of them has your name engraved on the side.

If you carry pictures of your guns in your wallet

If you ever heard gun shots outside your house late at night, but fell into a state of sheer panic because you couldn't decide which gun to grab.

If your favorites in the computer only have one folder, "guns."

If when your wife haves .357 sig brass as earings at the tupperware party you show them your Glock

If your gold tooth is made of melted brass

If you get arrested for possesion of a gram of black powder

If your kids have Glock as middle names

If your kid's bike is on a bipod

If you go out with bird watchers with a 3-9 scope

If your walkman is made by Peltor

If your kid's vocabulary consists of ballistics, trajectory, clusters, magnums, parallax

If your wife loves to shop at Glockstore, Glockmeister, Topglock etc.

If you shower the bride and groom with brass

If you double tap when knocking on doors

If you get excited when you see the Target store logo

If you buy your kids a book each and buy yourself five gun magazines

If your tennis attire has Glock logos

If your Golf bag has a gun compartment

If you lubricate your kid's bikes with Hoppe's

If your banana holds 40 rounds

If your car is coated with tennifer

If you light your charcoal with gun powder

If your kids would rather go to a gun show than Kings Dominion or Disney World

If you are the only one with a vest without a camera

If your apartment complex cites -you- as the reason they don't need on-site security.

If someone you've never met comes to your door and says, "I was given your name. Can you help me while I get my stuff out of my boyfriend's/husband's apartment?"

If the person who gave your name is a local Police Officer.

If your local Police Department makes a point of calling you at home to tell you about the sex-offender/felon who just moved into your area.

If you've been in a local gun shop and had a sales clerk ask you a question about a firearm, because no one else in the shop knows the answer.

If the above occurs so they can make a sale.

If one of your local gun shops asks you to come work for them, because you've shown more knowledge than their employees.

If the above occurs at a shop you don't normally frequent.

If your local Police Department asks you what you think about the new handgun they're thinking about issuing.

If you've ever been asked by your local Police Department to bring in one or more of your weapons for them to show off, because they're "Better than this crap we're carrying."

If you've ever gotten out of a ticket by offering to take the Officer shooting.

If you've ever been pulled over by a Police Officer so she can ask you to take her shooting.

If you've ever been pulled over by a local Police Department just so they can ask you a question about one of your weapons, or your ammunition.

If you've ever had people fly into the state, or country, just to fire some of your weapons.

If you've ever talked about your latest acquisition and heard the words, "How the hell'd you get your hands on that?"

If your name has ever been given to a new recruit at your local Police Department along with the words, "Don't bother asking, he's going to have a gun on him somewhere."

If your boss has ever given you a box of ammunition as a reward for a 'Job Well Done', and you don't work in a firearms friendly place.

If you've ever taken the day off work to go shooting, hunting, to the smith, or to purchase a new handgun, and yet you refuse to call in sick.

If your primary requirement for a soft-side briefcase, for work, is how well it can carry one of your preferred sidearms.