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  1. #1
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    Default Funny Shop stories

    So I replied to a thread today because it reminded me of a funny story that happened to me...and now it took my memory down a rabbit hole of a bunch of funny stories from over the years...here are my top five...Hope you enjoy and share some of your own.

    #5 as a first year apprentice a new boss asked if I knew how to run a Lathe...In a nutshell, told him barely. Good he says, shoves a print in my hands, and says "Here is the print, the steel is on a pallet over there...DONT (EXPLITIVE) UP! & walked away...about 5 minutes later someone helped me pick my jaw up off the floor

    #4 back in the 90's, We worked with a guy that said for a whole year he was saving up to by a Gerstner tool box...when he finally bought it one of the Die-makers asked if he could check it out. "NO!" yelled the proud new owner. So the next day the Die-maker came in early, took a hack saw and cut a 45º notch in its blade...placed it on the box corner at the notch and used clay to hold it in place...then sprinkled saw dust all over his bench. The guys face was priceless when he walked in and saw what he thought was his new box cut with a hacksaw.

    #3 One day a die maker got into an argument with another die-maker and the other die-maker yelled "YOU DO NOTHING BUT MICKEY MOUSE WORK!" Well, the next day the other die-maker that was well known for his sense of humor came into the shop and worked the entire day wearing roller skates with a Mickey Mouse club hat on his head.

    #2 On April fools day one year, someone (never found out who) went into the tool room bathroom in the morning and placed work boots in both the stalls, locked the doors and crawled out from underneath. It was around noon when one of the old Die-Makers yelled across the shop at the top of his lungs "GEEZUS! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO TAKE A S***!!!"

    #1 One year I was trouble shooting in a press and had to drop a 25 lb. stripper to get to a punch that need repair. When putting it back together I just could not get it up with one hand and tighten the SHCS (Bolts) with the other...so I grabbed my witty co-worker and handed him the Allen wrench and asked him if he could tighten it when I got the stripper in place. Since it was a guided stripper, I still struggled to get it into the right spot even with two hands and the weight of it was really starting to wear on me..."Damnit" I frustratingly said..."I cant get this in place." and my co-worker without missing a beat said to me. "Well I sure wish you would hurry up, cause this Allen wrench is getting heavy"

    Bonus I just remembered: I was a first year apprentice and I asked an old Die-Maker if I could borrow his Grinding vise...he looked at me very seriously and said "Son...I'd sooner you fondled my wife than my grinding vise"

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    Quote Originally Posted by D.Minnich View Post
    #2 On April fools day one year, someone (never found out who) went into the tool room bathroom in the morning and placed work boots in both the stalls, locked the doors and crawled out from underneath. It was around noon when one of the old Die-Makers yelled across the shop at the top of his lungs "GEEZUS! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO TAKE A S***!!!"
    LOL! That trick must have come into the world when flush-toilets began displacing the privy. And sometimes one DOES know who did it. Because they just HAVE to brag!

    Late summer / early fall of 1964... still decent weather, anyway

    "Smitty" lead welder, 2d shift at Galis pulled the stunt on Mike, his partner, KNOWING Mike had dodgy bowels.. and whispered it ahead of time so nobody would miss the show!

    Sure enough, Mike is in the loo, begging and pleading with the ignorant air above the boots! Boots don't respond.

    And then.... gives it up, leaves the building on foot walking kind corkscrewed-cross-legged, heading for the Tastie-Freeze down the road.. The only thing still open around 11:30 at night!

    Mike doesn't MAKE it.

    He s**ts himself. BAD and messy! Smitty is over the MOON!

    But Mike was not one of your VOLATILE Italians. nossir!

    Quite the re-verse !! Shishiliaaaan, IIRC.

    Two quite uneventful weeks go by, and Mike makes a round.

    "Everybody pay attention when we wash-up and change at shift's end. There will be a nice surprise."

    Nothing much seems to be happening, no birthday cakes or nuthin', as we wash up, drop steel-toads or welder's boots for street clothes and ordinary boots or shoes..

    Until Smitty, chawing and bullshitting a mile a minute - as usual - pauses in mid sentance.. WEIRDEST look you ever saw coming over his face.. and a NOXIOUS stench! Looks down at his "street"....boots..

    Where his feet have just gotten into a dispute over real estate space ... with the freshly-manufactured human TURD Mike had personally deposited one of into each of Smitty's boots!

    Well.. real men don't lose their temper, do they? Can't DARE admit you can't take it. Not amongst card-carrying UNITED STEELWORKERS you dare not!

    Smitty just had to "take it in stride".

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    I have a bunch of them but the one that stands out...

    We used to have a pizza truck that would stop at the shop once a week. That particular day I didn't bring my lunch and had no cash for pizza.

    The young girl in the office asked me if I wanted a piece of her pizza and I said "No thanks. I'll wait til you're done and lick your box."

    She smiled and I turned bright red. After lunch she walked up to my desk, set the box down, smiled and walked away. I turned bright red again.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Booze Daily View Post
    I have a bunch of them but the one that stands out...

    We used to have a pizza truck that would stop at the shop once a week. That particular day I didn't bring my lunch and had no cash for pizza.

    The young girl in the office asked me if I wanted a piece of her pizza and I said "No thanks. I'll wait til you're done and lick your box."

    She smiled and I turned bright red. After lunch she walked up to my desk, set the box down, smiled and walked away. I turned bright red again.
    I very nearly married a young lady from the office over fixing me. At lunchtime. Cute as can be, but I had NO KLEW she had any interest... until one day she appears in the door of my office with a brown paper bag. gracefully glides over to my desk, lovely smile, sets down the bag, turns and takes a "Dare yah!" stance in the office doorway.

    Bright sun is right back of her.. dress goes sorta as vague as smoke.. Holy s**t she has great legs all the way up to..! ....And she is away on pretty feet...

    I think "how sweet! Here's this paper bag ... and a home-made lunch!
    Sez so right on it. Big BOLD and wide marker!

    "Hacker's Lunch"

    Must be SUBSTANTIAL, too! HEAVY bag!

    Open it up... two whole f**king pounds for my very-OWN.. of the finest of Pittsburgh's own, best, Old Skewl style..

    ..hardened blued steel masonry cut-nails!

    Bright and chipper once moved into the house and getting nailed regularly, too!

    SAS ain't the only ones with the motto: "Who dares, wins!"

    Ordinary folks used to laugh often, enjoy a LOT of good sex, actually LIKE each other, even get married and make happy babies..

    ...back before a sense of humour was made a Federal Felony and everything went so g'damned "sexist" that plumbers took up plastic surgery off the front of all the confusion!!!


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    Quote Originally Posted by D.Minnich View Post
    #2 On April fools day one year, someone (never found out who) went into the tool room bathroom in the morning and placed work boots in both the stalls, locked the doors and crawled out from underneath. It was around noon when one of the old Die-Makers yelled across the shop at the top of his lungs "GEEZUS! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO TAKE A S***!!!"
    way back working at the dealership one of the parts men DID spend that much time on the shitter. just avoiding work. a tied up shop rag soaked in mineral spirits and a match took care of that (tossed under the stall)

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    My favorite was the My first wife was a sheep cardboard license plate that ended up making its way through the parking lot much to the embarrassment of many who found people honking and waving at them Good clean safe fun

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    Guy had a powder blue sedan, We laser cut a very artsy polished stainless license plate bracket complete with large a hardon running up each side and the slogan "Say it loud, Gay and proud!" The guy drives it that way unaware for a week or two. Then he was at a wedding reception when someone come running in and said "Hey everyone come check out this peter puffer's car in the parking lot". Guy goes running out the door to see the crowd packed around HIS car!

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    A woman I knew told about working third shift, where she'd occasionally take a short nap in one of the john stalls. She was just coming out and ran into her supervisor who accused her of sleeping. She denied it, saying she'd only been in there five minutes, but he said, "Go back and take a look in the mirror." Doh! She'd been putting her head down on her knees and she was wearing corduroys. Yep, "Corduroy pillows making headlines!"

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    Day after Halloween. Kid is in crapper trying to recover. Picks up plunger and pushes it against the door. Prys it loose slowly so it makes a godawful slurping noise. Boss happened to be walking by. "Damn, boy, you alright?"

    Same kid, different shop. Second shift. Late July or early August. Boss wouldn't turn on the AC. He comes in to pick up some paperwork and finds the kid in his tidy whiteys cranking out parts. Ac got turned on.

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    One of the guys suspected another worker of stealing his Gatorade out of the fridge. So he went into the guy's lunch pail and replaced his water with sulphuric acid. Everyone was watching when lunch rolled around and he took a big chug....ate through most of his espohagus and stomach lining. Spent a month in the hospital, we never heard from him again. What was really funny was the next day we found out the janitor had been the one stealing the Gatorade! I still bust out in tears when I think about it.

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    Uhhh, yeah, that sure is funny...................

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    Quote Originally Posted by GregSY View Post
    One of the guys suspected another worker of stealing his Gatorade out of the fridge. So he went into the guy's lunch pail and replaced his water with sulphuric acid. Everyone was watching when lunch rolled around and he took a big chug....ate through most of his espohagus and stomach lining. Spent a month in the hospital, we never heard from him again. What was really funny was the next day we found out the janitor had been the one stealing the Gatorade! I still bust out in tears when I think about it.
    ..and that's what the jury will convict on....If'n he had left the acid in his OWN lunchbox, and the perp stole it and drank it.....But no, the dickhead messed with an innocent persons personal lunchbox.

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    Quote Originally Posted by alphonso View Post

    Same kid, different shop. Second shift. Late July or early August. Boss wouldn't turn on the AC. He comes in to pick up some paperwork and finds the kid in his tidy whiteys cranking out parts. Ac got turned on.
    Yeah, but did he have all his PPE on? And after safety glasses, what are the requirements for his situation?

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    Quote Originally Posted by GregSY View Post
    One of the guys suspected another worker of stealing his Gatorade out of the fridge. So he went into the guy's lunch pail and replaced his water with sulphuric acid. Everyone was watching when lunch rolled around and he took a big chug....ate through most of his espohagus and stomach lining. Spent a month in the hospital, we never heard from him again. What was really funny was the next day we found out the janitor had been the one stealing the Gatorade! I still bust out in tears when I think about it.
    Your gene pool needs a serious dose of chlorine.

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    Less a machining joke, more of a general work joke.

    I worked in a large Heavy Engineering firm (Fluor-Daniel) in So. Cal. The crew were all like me: 20 to 30 something new grads. PC hadn't been invented yet, but we were seeing some new female engineers. We all wore suits and ties. Anyway, one day the guys were socializing and Patty comes up. She's nice, pretty, and kind of figuring out how to work with the guys. We're all telling jokes, and after a while Patty pipes up.
    "I have a joke! But it has a bad word in it. Can I tell it?"
    One of the more senior guys, Bob, pipes up.
    "As long as the word isn't F**K".

    Another time, Bob, a designer (draftsman) supervisor was at the lunch table with us. He started trying to give me a hard time. He lived out in the country (Riverside was still "country" at that time) and there were a lot of sheep.
    Bob said
    "Boz, I understand you were out driving around Riverside last weekend, and the the sheep were all nervous".
    "Bob, I WAS out in Riverside and was driving around with the window down, and I heard those same sheep. The WERE nervous. But they kept saying ''Bahhhhb... Bahhhb'"
    Of course I realized a bit late that the VP of Engineering was sitting there, but he laughed too. And Bob never bugged me again.

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    Shop related, but not machine shop. In 1962 I worked as a cleanup boy and gofer at my cousins auto repair shop. I was often sent for parts. One parts run I was instructed to pick up a fan belt for a '60 Plymouth, plugs for a '59 Ford..and a can of Amps.

    The counterman smiled as he knew my boss had 'got my cherry', so to speak.

    Stuart

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    Quote Originally Posted by TGTool View Post
    Yeah, but did he have all his PPE on? And after safety glasses, what are the requirements for his situation?
    "Somewhere"... the Army joke at the time being:

    ====

    Fall OUT!

    Uniform of the day steel pot, shower sandals, and a light coat of oil!"

    ====

    We had a photo.. from BEHIND him, of one of the Ossifer Cannibals at Belvoir...

    Who did exactly THAT!

    No helmet liner under the steel pot, so at rigid "Attention" arms tight tucked, buttlocks tight-clenched, it looks all too much like a six-foot naked DICK.. with an Olive-drab glans!

    "You'd have to know Army life?"

    Or maybe only young Cajuns and boredom?


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    Quote Originally Posted by bosleyjr View Post
    Less a machining joke, more of a general work joke.

    I worked in a large Heavy Engineering firm (Fluor-Daniel) in So. Cal. The crew were all like me: 20 to 30 something new grads. PC hadn't been invented yet, but we were seeing some new female engineers. We all wore suits and ties.
    Must have been a Corporate edict. A F-D VP was a bud, mid 1980's. Hungarian surname that translated to "St Anthony" but read as if he was a master shagger! Prolly the best-dressed guy I've ever known, a few minor "Royals" included!

    But even then, "the girls" were finally being outted as raunchier tellers-of-tales.. amongst THEMSELVES.. than ever the boys were!

    One loudmouth, over drinks after work, trying to make a co-worker who was the very image of a young Lee Remick blush, made the inane comment about tit size .. where

    "more that you could get into your mouth was a waste."

    She cut him to shreds without so much as an annoyed look and hardly an eyeblink:

    "We say the exact same thing about men's cocks."

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    At my old job the laser chiller pump was acting up. So I went in the cramped shed it was housed in and slid behind it to watch the pump pressure over the course of a few minutes to try and see if it was dipping.

    Another coworker came in and was on his phone for about a minute before I asked him what he was doing. Apparently the chiller shed was his favorite spot to hide in during work hours.

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    When I was in maintenance at a hospital workshop ,there was always calls complaining about the hot water supply in the sisters quarters.......I used to say "send that useless Vic Bell ,and tell him to stay out of my way"....He d be missing for days on end..... One of the sisters noticed a hole in the bathroom wall with an eye behind it...Vic had a little hideout between the hot water tanks ,caused a bit of a fuss at the time.


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