Stupidest thing an employee ever said
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  1. #1
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    Default Stupidest thing an employee ever said

    I've been looking at the "Stupidest thing your boss ever said" thread for the longest time and I thought I'd turn the table with this one. Just what is the stupidest thing you've ever heard from an employee?

    I personally like this one:

    "I need a raise, I just bought a house and the old lady is pregnant".

    "Ok, I've seen your wife and she's not that old. What have you done on the job to justify a wage increase?"

    "Uh............."

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    Oh oh! I can beat ya'll:

    "Listen I don't mind volunteering time but honestly I can't live on 20 hours a week. Can you kick me up to 30-34 or at least pay some of the back wages you owe?"

    --WOOSH

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    After missing the fifth random day (Mondays and Fridays) in 3 weeks without even one phone call:

    It's not my fault I got sick and didn't call. It's not your fault I got sick and didn't call. It's not really anybodies fault! There's really nothing anybody can do!

    And another one after getting caught jumping up and down on the roof of the building:

    You can't fire me for dancing on the roof of your building, it wasn't during working hours!

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    I've posted this before, but it definitely belongs in this thread.

    I get a call one morning. The shop alcoholic.

    "I can't come to work today, well, I've been missing a lot of work lately and its getting me really behind on my bills, I need to take the day off to figure out what to do about it"

    On the witty side, one that happened in a nursing home many years back.
    Laundry girl walking down the hall chewing a piece of gum.

    Infection control nurse (real mean unhappy lady): You can't have anything in your mouth when you are at work.

    Laundry girl: Well, there goes my chances for a promotion.

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  7. #5
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    My grandad owns a steel construction biz.

    My cousins and myself all worked for him at one point or another...usually fresh out of high school, or summer jobs.

    He is very difficult to work for, and pays ....well let's just say ....sometimes.

    Anyway, the best one I ever heard was when my cousin...only seventeen at the time, needed a day to take his "old lady" to the doctor for a sonogram.

    "Papa, I have to leave at lunch today"

    "Why's that, son?"

    "My wife has a doctor's appointment."

    "Uhhh...well dam son, can't she drive herself to the doctor?"

    "PAPA...????....SHE'S ONLY FIFTEEN!!!!"

    (Still a big family insider to this day)


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    When my father was in the sawmill business, he had two trucks that hauled lumber, chips, bark, and sawdust. The truck driver didn't show one morning, so the millwright was going to haul a load out. He raised the hood of the old R600 Mack to check the oil. Pop walked by and saw this, and just kept on going.

    Later, he saw the hood still up. He stopped and asked the millwright what he was doing. "Adding oil."

    Naturally, Pop asked "How much?"

    "Seventeen quarts, and I just now touched the stick!"

    Next day, Pop had the key and the truckdriver came to see him to get it. Naturally, he wanted to know about this lack of oil in the diesel engine.

    "Do you check the oil?"

    "Yes sir, every day?"

    "But none showed on the dipstick."

    "Oh, I don't use a dipstick."

    "What? How's that?"

    "I look at the oil pressure gauge, and if the needle drops any, I put in a quart."

    Engine when kaput shortly thereafter. Driver fired on the spot.

    Richard

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    *after being 1 and a half days no call/no show*

    "I can see that you're unhappy, but I don't see why you're taking it out on me!"

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    "I crashed my truck, I can't afford to fix it, so I have to quit"

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    In answer to "Why can't you work overtime?"

    "I might need extra money soon to pay my credit card bills, and I'm thinking of looking for a part time job."

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    Nothing worse when they start crying during a performance review. It says it all.

    Ken

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    knc - LOL!

    During an interview - "Basically, working for Caterpillar ruined my life. Is it OK if I smoke?"

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    As a setup tech I once had an operator come to me and say.

    "I've got a problem. I've got some good parts and they're good, but I have some bad parts and they're not AS good."

    I stood there for a second and said "don't overload me with details Gump, run Forrest run and I'll be there when I get done fixing this.

    Great guy and a hard worker, but you had to retrain him every monday.

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    My Dad was hiring labour and a candidate phoned for an interview. My Dad says 'Come over at 9 am tomorrow'; interviewee says 'Can you make it a bit later, I'm not too good in the mornings'

    Despite this warning my Dad decides to interview him anyway.

    The guy turns up (late of course), my Dad says 'Job is Monday to Friday,working day starts at 8 am'; 'What, EVERY day?' was the response..........

    Regards,

    Mike.

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    I think I could add to this daily!
    The latest from the kid I hired awhile back..
    Needed him to saw up a bunch of 2" square tubing. I even marked all the pieces out so he wouldn't screw that up.
    He starts sawing... I go start on something else. Come back a half hour later... he's got the two pieces right beside the saw cut up but is standing there looking around.
    The other 4 pieces are still on the floor.
    I ask him why the other pieces aren't cut yet..
    "Well I wasn't sure if you wanted me to cut them now ...or later"
    Funny though...he'll spend ten minutes tracking me down so he can tell me it's "Only five minutes til breaktime".

  19. #15
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    A fellow that worked for my uncle cut a finger off using a radial arm saw with probably a 14" circular blade. When asked how he managed to get hurt, he said he was cleaning trimmings from right behind the spinning blade. When he retracted his hand, he got a finger into the blade and that was that.

    Q: "Why would you put your hand back there???"

    A: "Well, I didn't know the back side of the saw would cut you."

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  21. #16
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    I used to do setup and programming at an injection molding company. Once in a great while I'd run night-shift by myself to cover for the forman when he was out.

    Operator came up to me: "It's doing that thing again."
    ME: "What thing."
    Operator: "The part that does the thing with the stuff is doing that thing again."
    ME: "Really."

    I walked over there and the press was spilling water from a popped cooling line on the mold.

    We had a nice talk about the nomenclature of the parts and their function after that. That person, turned into one of the better operators I ever worked with... in fact I ran into him recently he's training to do setup now.

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    Had a student worker cut tubing for a big project. I precut one of each part needed. Wrote sample on each piece and the quantity of each. Told employee that each piece needed to be exactly the same size and length as sample. Asked if everything was going ok through out the cutting process and he said everything is perfect. $600 worth of square tubing, all cut wrong length.
    When asked how? he said that they were close. scraped the hole project.
    Started over and I sat on his sholder from start top finnish. He didn't make the same mistake again.
    Majoring in Accounting.
    + / - 3/8"
    Last edited by t.lewis; 10-26-2008 at 12:45 PM. Reason: addtiion

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    Used to have an old pair of 24" verniers. The scale on the back was offset .400" for ID use. Had a LEFT handed employee on the bandsaw cutting up several hundred feet of aluminum angle, all perfectly .400 short. He must have thought he was in heaven finally having a left handed caliper.

    And if you want to include the ones that I didn't hire, I had one guy show up late, say "Sorry, I was boning my wife", at the end of the very short interview, he said "Thanx, I've got to go back and bone my wife again, here want to smell my finger?"

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    Fortunately NOt my employee, went to one of my customers where they were changing a blown turbo on an intercooled light van engine, the bearings had gone and there was oil everywhere.

    I commented about cleaning out the intercooler. 'You're full of s*** it's only a f****** diesel engine you FKIA.' etc etc, 200yds up the road with warm engine changing in to 3rd......... big bang, I passed the puddle of oil and heap of metal on my way back.

    A part time gofer I once had. ''I want a length of 1" aluminium angle iron.''

    3 of a crew turning up 2 hours late and very hung over, I'm annoyed we were on a weekend plant changeover and it was going to be tight, when asked why they were late chorused absolutely deadpan 'No excuses we was drunk.' took me a long time to stop chuckling.

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    “My machine is making bad parts….. Want me to keep running it?”

    or

    “Is that machine supposed to make loud noises??? a lot of sparks are shooting off the tool too” never heard the rest because I was in full out sprint to hit the E stop.

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